Okay, if you are reading this it means I am have written this and I am alive!
Yes, I survived.
Survived what? I hear you asking.
Well at a certain time of the year (every year) there is a seriously debilitating illness that makes its rounds across the country and also world-wide.
This paralysing and immobilizing viral strain is commonly known as the flu. But, it has been known that in men, that the common viral infection is about 1000 times worse. You might say that this is an exaggerated statement, but then again, if you are saying this, you are probably female. Continue reading (ladies) and everything will become so much clearer to you.
Picture this. You are out with the boys having an innocent beer or two while discussing who will be on pole position for the weekend's F1 race and how awesome Sir Alex’s career was and all of a sudden you let out a sneeze or two and a slight cough.
As you are wearing your machismo badge, you brush it off and say "don't worry okes, it's an allergic reaction to the hops and the barley in my Heineken" But the little voice in the back of your mind says, "It's coming, go home now!" And being a "man" you tell this voice to fuck off and you go on sucking on your cold beverage. This is where the virus starts moving in.
Day 1 - Sunday (It's just an allergic reaction)
You wake up early to go out for your morning run, but you feel a bit more groggy than usual. Slightly blocked nose and that irritating little cough that was bugging you during the discussion of, is it easier to make a million or spend a million. Anyway, you decide to skip the run and sleep in. When you wake up you feel absolutely fine and think to yourself, it will suck if I am allergic to hops and barley. Isn't that what beer is primarily made of?
Your significant other, wife, partner, girlfriend then suggests some sort of outing, to which you agree because you spent the night before with the boys. Again, you ask yourself, surely they can make beer out of something else. It will REALLY suck if my hops and barley allergy gets worse.
The afternoon outing with your wife, S/O, partner goes particularly well and everything seems fine. You refuse a beer from the guys (who were all at the same place last night) and opt for a soft drink. "Guys, I think I am allergic to hops and barley" you tell them. They all nod simultaneously in sympathetic agreement. One of them retorts, "That sucks, man! Isn't that what beer is made of?"
Day 2 - Monday (The day of Death)
It's 6am. Your alarm is screeching on the bedside table. You are struggling to open your eyes because it feels as if your eyelids have been glued together. Your ears are starting to bleed because the noise of your alarm feels like there is a 15 inch tungsten drill bit boring into your brain through your eardrum. Every muscle in your body is aching. It feels as if you have been tackled by Pierre Spies and Bakkies Botha after being stomped on by Schalk Burger. You turn to your partner and utter in pain. "I think I am sick" She turns over and says, "it's just a cold, you will be fine later" Stupidly, you pull yourself out of bed and stumble into the shower and get dressed up as if you are embarking on an expedition to the North Pole.
By now the mucous (snot) valves in your head have been opened and you have already finished one roll of TP and you are now plugging your nose with serviettes you have lying around in your car. Driving feels like you are storming the beaches of Normandy and you need to dodge serious gunfire from the militia.
All of this happens about 500m from your house. You have to turn your car around, but you need to take the long drive around the block because you cannot extend your arms enough to make a 3 point turn.
After about 20 minutes, you return home. Your S/O looks at you and says, "You look sick, babe" This little phrase has the key words that make the virus turn up a few notches into full-blown man-flu.
You stumble down the passage and crash onto your bed like a California Redwood. You are still in Everest expedition gear even though you have 2 duvets and a comforter over you. Your partner follows you down the passage and tells you, "Babe, if you are sick, then go to the doctor" Again, key words that make the virus expand about 3 times. At this stage you can actually feel it growing inside you.
Day 3 - Tuesday (The mission to the doctor's rooms)
You have come to the realisation that you are not allergic to hops and barley and that this might just be something you need to get a doctor to look at. Reluctantly you decide to get out of bed and make a move to the doctor's rooms.
Dressed in your North Pole expedition gear. You stumble down the passage to get to the garage. 20 minutes later, you eventually get to your car, and after about 5 minutes of looking for your keys in the pockets of your utility jacket, you manage to stretch out a finger to open the doors of your car and fall into the seat.
You manage to start your car, at which point you realise that you need to switch on the house alarm. So you need to do the last few steps of this exercise again, but this time include punching in the alarm code and moving swiftly out of the house to prevent the alarm from going off and potentially being shot by the security company because you are wearing a ski mask.
You count yourself down and manage to complete this feat in record time. (A record for somebody with Man Flu) You sit in your car and high-five yourself because you have just completed the most awesome stunt of the day. After the awesomeness has died down you get going.
The road to the doctor is long a tedious. There is an ongoing battle against the sleep-demon in the back seat and the constant pounding of the headache caused by the foot soldiers of the Viral Military that is marching through your brain.
After about 2 hours you make it to the doctor.
At my doctor’s rooms there is a flight of stairs that is like the entrance to a Buddhist temple. I think that the stairs were purposely put there, so that if you make it up the stairs you are worthy to see the doctor.
When you make it up the stairs you get to reception. The sullen, grumpy middle-aged woman looks at you and asks, "Are you here for yourself?" At this stage I'm thinking, No, bitch, I like looking like the living dead dressed in climbing gear, but I just nod and mumble "yes"
The only seat available is between a stack of old magazines and a woman breast-feeding her baby. After paging through the tattered pages of Your Family of September 1982 and seeing the woman next to me swap breasts for the third time, I hear my name being called in the distance. I rise from my corner seat and make my way into the doctor's examination room, but I first turn around to high-five the baby that has been suckling for the past hour and a half.
5 minutes later, I emerge with a handful of pill packets that include antibiotics and other medicines to fight the menacing virus in my body. I give the bare-chested woman in the waiting room a high-five and grumpy granny at reception the finger before I go off to fight the battle with my new ammo. Feeling strong!!
Day 4 - Wednesday (Boredom Battle)
So now the battle is raging on inside your body and there is pretty much nothing you can do but wait it out. The books provided by your S/O, a welcomed friendly gesture, is not helping, mainly because of the fact that there are no pictures and all have one word titles. So you sit, still feeling crappy but you know that the cocktail of drugs are working because you are feeling stronger by the second.
Evening time rolls on and you suggest to your S/O that there is nothing to do and you decide to go out because you are bored and you are getting sicker by just sitting in the house. Something simple like going to the cinema or a quiet dinner is always a good idea.
WRONG!!! This will just strengthen the forces of the virus causing you to relapse and fall back into stage one of the infection.
Day 5 - Thursday (Relapse)
By this stage you have now run out of the flu fighting drugs provided by your Buddhist doctor and have to rely on self-medication from your chemist. This usually consists of Med-Lemon (cherry flavour is the best), Corenza C and a variety of other cold and flu fighting drugs. Be prepared to spend at least R250 on all of this.
So your night spent thinking that the battle was won is now a distant memory like Apartheid and you feel as if you have been slapped with a brick. Most of this day will be spent making hot toddy with Corenza C and Cherry Med Lemons. You now also have a list of chores. You were strong enough to go out last night which means you are now strong enough to do your chores.
So manning the vacuum cleaner you go through the house in your drug induced state sucking up everything in sight. This is now the most entertaining thing that happened to you this week. Well, apart from breaking the record for switching on the alarm and getting into your car. By this time you are also smelling like a street kid in Woolies winter PJ's. So you decide that it's washing time as well.
When your S/O gets home later during the day, the house looks as if it has been hit by Hurricane Katrina. You are passed out on the couch looking worse than you did the entire week. You get dragged to bed, and here is the catch, you now cannot sleep because you are more wired than Charlie Sheen on a good day.
This will now lead you to the final day of the battle against the Virus.
Day 6 - Friday (Full Recovery)
After having about 2 hours of sleep, you open your eyes slowly expecting an onslaught of viral attacks to your body and repeating the week you just had. But instead you feel so good it's unbelievable. It's as if you can take on the world. You are now a new person. Not even MC Hammer can touch you.
Just for good measure you make a Med Lemon and antibiotic cocktail and go on your way. The Man-Flu has been defeated. The day is good!
So guys if you are feeling as if the world is against you and that there is nobody out there that understands how crippling and damaging this illness is. Stay positive, everything will be so much better in the end.
Ladies, if after reading this, you still doubt that man-flu exists, see links below.
Thanks to @AydeeMaybrew for a great post! Be sure to follow the dude, he's multi-talented with interests in photography, music and art.
Keep an eye out for some more #RAguestBLOGS in the future from some other peeps :)