Monday, 11 May 2015

Erratic Dreams

I'm feeling erratic today.

My thoughts are in a mess. That in itself is not surprising, but they are more all over the show than usual today. I think it's because I'm over-thinking just a little bit more than usual.

There is a disconnect somewhere. And I can't figure out where. But I've got enough to keep me busy that I can just ignore it and let it blow over. It could be lack of sleep, could be anything really, but it's like a little cut on your finger that isn't majorly painful, but it irritates you the whole day.

Perhaps after my next exam on Thursday I'll calm my brain a little, as my next exam is literally a month away after that exam so I can breathe a little. You know, relax, defrag, watch some series and movies, etc. I've actually been contemplating having a complete digital shut down. Switching all devices and connectivity off for a certain period of time in an attempt to restart my system. But as my employment situation dictates, I can't really afford even one day offline. Perhaps later in the year. I just feel we've become too busy, TOO connected, and that shutting down and logging off sometimes will do a world of good.

In the writing of this I've already frantically thought of other things I want to do online and opened at least 5 other tabs and hopped from them erratically. And I've got up and done a few other things too. My thoughts are fragmented and it is when they unite that one can accomplish such great things, even momentarily. Focus.

I feel many times that many things I do is a chasing after the wind. When I look at things from a wider, broader, eternal perspective. Like it's pointless. Like I'm pointless. But in the same breath I innately feel that inside of me is something more than pointless, and that the pointless is some kind of virus infecting my system. It's why I strive to do things still, even when things seem hopeless at times. I keep believing. I keep working. I keep attempting. I keep fighting. Even when people laugh at my endeavours, or scoff at attempts to improve. Even when people insult me, or call me names. Even when people try to hurt me or get at me by pressing my buttons. Even if people ignore me or wish bad on me. I keep in mind that I'm on my journey, and they are on theirs. Just like I don't know what it is that is prompting them to act negatively towards me they don't know what or who I am and what I'm going through or what I'm doing or what I'm thinking. No-one will EVER know me that well, as I, myself, am still learning who I am, and what I'm capable of. So wish them well and hope they do swell. What I'm getting at here is that you have to be strong. As cliché as it sounds, you have to be strong because although you will have people that support you in your life, they can't be strong for you, you have to be strong for yourself. Selfish? Of course it is. But if you don't look out for yourself, no-one else will. Carve your own path. Even if you are going to attempt to emulate someone else's path, a role model, at least learn from their mistakes and do better.

I've heard before that I'm a dreamer and that I'm over-ambitious, and those folks who said that are having a field day as I'm now as far away from success and my dreams than I ever was, owing to things in and out of my control. But you know what, I cling onto my dreams, still. No matter how lofty they are. Because you can take everything from me, but not my dreams and my thoughts of personal grandeur.

Gotta keep goin'!

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